Your Dating Profile is Inaccurate

The problem with dating sites is most people have inaccurate profiles. They present shallow, idealized versions of themselves, which leads to awkward first dates when a couple discovers they have nothing in common.

To help you avoid this traumatizing experience, I've found some examples of effective profiles where people allow their true personalities to shine through.

Elizabeth93

To all the guys who keep sending me messages like “nice boobs,” stop it. Not only is it rude, but your arms are usually twiggy and gross.  If you want to get with me you better be muscular, because biceps are like the male equivalent of boobs. 

I know you’re thinking, “man-boobs are the male equivalent of boobs”. But I mean a part of the body that the opposite sex finds attractive, which you partially expose in public. For example with a low cut dress for cleavage or tank top for biceps. 

Some might argue men’s packages are “partially exposed” with tight pants, or that women show off their butts the same way. But showing your butt crack is not as accepted as cleavage, and bulging penises aren’t as accepted as biceps. That’s why breasts and biceps are unique. They’re equivalent parts that we show off to attract partners.

But if I want bigger breasts, it requires painful, expensive surgery (and the doctor was really creepy). While a guy can enlarge his equivalent parts with a bit of regular exercise. I guarantee if women could get bigger breasts by exercising, gyms would be a lot more crowded. And women with big boobs would be all over the place.

P.S.    My profile pic is of a mannequin, I only send real pics after we have chatted online for at least two months.

To send a message to Elizabeth93 you MUST meet the following criteria:

Must not have small arms. Try lifting some weights you lazy bastards.
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Arthur5000

Age: 27           Interests: Wheel of Fortune, Crosswords, Boggle competitions

I’m a bit of a "word nerd". I love learning about the origins of words and finding new exotic terms that most people know nothing about.  For example, do you know what autocoropophagy means?

Well I do. It means eating your own poop! Isn’t it amazing that there’s a word for that? It doesn’t simply mean eating excrement in general, that’s coropophagy. But you add the prefix “auto” and voila, now you’re eating your own poop.

I wonder if they have an equivalent word in every language. You know how Eskimos have like 20 words for different types of snow? Maybe in some countries they have many words for eating different types of poop. 

  

I also enjoy coming up with ideas for improving the English language. For now, I’ll give you a small taste. I think that the letter W is an abomination, as it’s obviously more like a double V than anything, though it really should have its own unique name. I propose its name should be pronounced “wee” or “way”. We can discuss this further on our first date.

To send a message to Arthur5000 you MUST meet the following criteria:

Must never use made-up compound words like “ginormous” or “chillaxin’” (I once ripped up a poster advertising a “Tweet-estival”, despite the idea of a Twitter festival sounding quite interesting)

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Hotguy58

I’m just a regular guy looking for a regular girl. I would like a girl who’s down to earth yet has great ambitions. She should have a good career but be able to make time for me. 

Looks are not important. However, I find I’m only attracted to redhead girls ages 18-29 with at least a C cup, and a healthy BMI. My ideal woman would have thick thighs and butt, with a slim waist. She should be feminine, but not like shitty romance movies.

She should like long walks on the beach, but not too long, 2km tops, if the weather is not too hot. She should also be refined and classy, with no gag reflex and a high pain threshold. 

To send a message to Hotguy58 you MUST meet the following criteria:

Must not be allergic to ether

Must like cats.