You're getting your news from the wrong places

Read the following news article to learn more about why you feel unsatisfied after reading certain news articles.

News outlets pretend slow news days don't exist

Special report on the state of the media

Many news outlets publish meaningless and meandering articles when they fail to find anything substantial to report.

This leads to long-winded, very redundant, and extremely wordy writing about pointless topics as the journalists attempt to reach their daily article quotas and minimum word counts set by their managing editors—who can be overzealous in enforcing the rules, as they are typically dick-less shells of human beings with sad little lives.

Your Dating Profile is Inaccurate

The problem with dating sites is most people have inaccurate profiles. They present shallow, idealized versions of themselves, which leads to awkward first dates when a couple discovers they have nothing in common.

To help you avoid this traumatizing experience, I've found some examples of effective profiles where people allow their true personalities to shine through.

Elizabeth93

To all the guys who keep sending me messages like “nice boobs,” stop it. Not only is it rude, but your arms are usually twiggy and gross.  If you want to get with me you better be muscular, because biceps are like the male equivalent of boobs. 

You don't play enough videogames

 Read this to find out why its important to make more leisure time, and see some unique things about videogames.

As you grow older and take on more responsibilities, there’s less time for leisure activities like playing videogames. But it’s vital you make time at least once in awhile...

You're confusing your dog

If you own a dog, chances are you've disciplined it for crapping on the floor. You probably even pointed at his mess and said something stupid like “What did you do?”

Guess what? The dog has no clue what he did.

Inevitably, the dog starts going outside to relieve itself.  Congratulations! You were successful in housebreaking your pet. Now call the humane society so they can send someone to shoot you in the face.

If you have yet to housebreak your dog (a.k.a. crush its spirit), stop and think if it really understands the problem. When you yell at your dog for crapping, he’s likely to think crap itself angers you.

Most dogs never see their owners take a dump. Imagine the confusion and shame they must feel.  A dog could justifiably think: What is this stuff that makes everyone angry? Where is it coming from? And why is it only happening to me?

You don’t watch enough sports

If you don't watch, listen, read, or masturbate while thinking about professional sports on a daily basis, you are missing out.

Read this article and you'll fall in love with professional sports along with the author.

Pirates dominate Jays once again

      By Ray Turner and "Lou from Pittsburgh"

Photo illuration by Lou 

Though The Jays won the game, The Pirates dominated in terms of team spirit.

Baseball is one of the most under-rated sports today. To the untrained spectator, a ballgame can seem downright boring. Until recently, I even felt this way myself. But after witnessing last night's electrifying match-up between the Pittsburgh Pirates and Toronto Blue Jays, I’m now a baseball fiend.

For you “rookies” out there, baseball involves two opposing teams that alternate between "fielding" and "batting". Believe it or not, they do this nine times. You might think that you'd be ready to go home after the sixth "inning" when your ass completely loses feeling, and the Pittsburgh fan behind you spills his beer down the back of your shirt. Yet somehow you feel compelled to stay.