Sunday, June 19, 2011

You don’t watch enough sports

If you don't watch, listen, read, or masturbate while thinking about professional sports on a daily basis, you are missing out.

Read this article and you'll fall in love with professional sports along with the author.
Pirates dominate Jays once again

      By Ray Turner and "Lou from Pittsburgh"

Pirate raping Blue Jay
Photo illuration by Lou 
Though The Jays won the game, The Pirates dominated in terms of team spirit.

Baseball is one of the most under-rated sports today. To the untrained spectator, a ballgame can seem downright boring. Until recently, I even felt this way myself. But after witnessing last night's electrifying match-up between the Pittsburgh Pirates and Toronto Blue Jays, I’m now a baseball fiend.

For you “rookies” out there, baseball involves two opposing teams that alternate between "fielding" and "batting". Believe it or not, they do this nine times. You might think that you'd be ready to go home after the sixth "inning" when your ass completely loses feeling, and the Pittsburgh fan behind you spills his beer down the back of your shirt. Yet somehow you feel compelled to stay.

 If you take the time to talk to that clumsy fan, he might turn out to be quite friendly, as he was in my case. This selfless fan volunteered to help me appreciate the finer points of baseball.

 That’s why today I share my byline with Lou, my personal baseball expert. I only regret I hadn’t utilized him earlier, so I could have understood what was going in the first five innings. However, Lou said I didn’t miss much.

At the start of the sixth inning, the Pirates spread out on grassy field and dirt area. They showed strategic consideration in the placement of the players, covering the play-area effectively.

When the “bat-man” stepped up for The Jays, (Sorry I missed his name, but he’s the tall guy with the moustashe) he purposely swung and missed the first two throws. The ploy worked, as when the ball was thrown a third time, everyone was shocked when he struck it and sent it flying. Unfortunately, the ball went far into the stands, so they had to use a new one. The coaches made the “bat-man” run a lap and think about his wasteful behavior.

Apparently, Pittsburgh's squad is called The Pirates because they’re a “pretty badass" team, while the Blue Jays are named after a “pansy" bird because they "suck". Why The Jays haven’t changed their name is beyond me, but as Lou says “it don’t need to make sense, it’s baseball.”

The Jays carried their early lead into the following innings. But the real star of the show was the man in black, known as Umm Pire. Lou described him as The Jays' most valuable teammate. It was clear players on both teams idolize Pire, as everyone kept looking to him for approval.  

Pire was on top of his game all night long, repeatedly helping The Jays come out on top.
Early into the eighth inning, Lou left to get a beer and never came back. I think he was overwhelmed with the atmosphere in the ballpark and forgot the location of our seats.  Without my guide, again I was lost in terms of understanding the game, but it was thrilling nonetheless. On the way out of the stadium, I overhead someone say The Jays won.

After the match, I caught up with Lou who was drinking beer in the parking lot with friends. They taught me an old baseball tradition where you pick the largest fan of the opposing team and say the most offensive thing that comes to mind.

Some fans who were unfamiliar with the custom actually wanted to fight me. But after only a few broken ribs, Lou came to the rescue by taking my attackers out for beers. This is just one example of the overwhelming camaraderie among fans at the ballpark. I recommend anyone who has overlooked this wonderful sport to check it out.

Watch for my upcoming coverage of the rest of the season. Though the nurses say they can do nothing to remedy the blurry reception in my room,  I welcome the challenge.

Photo sources: pirate costume, blue jay, umpire  

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